Lost her freedom, identity, and dress sense, gained a crown and a load of money

April 25th, 2011 by Bernadette

I’ve had an amazing couple of weeks with two great storytelling shows thanks to the brilliant writers and audiences we are priviledged to have,a nail-biting but excellent last show of Radio Z with Stans Cafe at the idyllic Dartington Hall,  cheering on my bruv-in-law in the London Marathon as he and thousands of others ran past our house, finishing with a raucous compering gig at Battersea Barge for the Cheek of it! Burlesque showcase which went a bit Wild Western with fisticuffs and craziness.

During one of the breaks of the aforementioned Wild West gig, I composed a poem for Kate Middleton, I have got  into the habit of writing poems really fast whilst in the breaks of comedy gigs, as a result they are quality as you can imagine. They often go down better than the material I have slaved over for weeks, so I am going to keep it up. The last one was called Ode to Nick Clegg With His Big Yellow Head. But a man in the audience ate it after I dropped into his glass of wine, so that one is lost to the mists of time. Or lost to that man’s duodenum. Carol Ann Duffy is probably keeping an eye on me now.

Anyway, here’s my poem, followed by the entries for the competiton from the AYSC? events, as promised.

Kate, Kate, it’s not too late

Dear Kate

Is it your fate?

To be the Queen of our land?

If you take Prince William’s hand?

Like poor Princess Di- will you always cry?

Will you find yourself sicking up your tea

And frollicking with hairy men beside the sea?

Having affairs with loads of different chaps

And drinking gin till you collapse

Sounds like your life is much like my own

Only difference is, I have a toilet, and you have a throne

O Kate! It’s not too late!

To escape to Ibiza, it’d be great!

Go back to your common ways

And spend the rest of your days

Smoking fags and watching Jeremy Kyle

It’d give you a reason to smile

William can go off and marry a horse

Which is a tradition of the royal family of course

O Kate!

You’re like my other mate Kate. But she married a bloke called Dave

O Kate !

It’s not too late!

It’s not too late!


Here’s the results of the AYSC? LOST competition, as requested I have typed up all the entries for London and Brighton. The question was: what’s the most amazing//extraordinary/surprising  thing you have ever found…

Here are the wierd, romantic and mysterious answers the audiences came up with ( I really hope we haven’t left anyone out…):



A Large amonite

Finders keepers-treasure trove. that’s what they call it. An you have to share it with the landowner. Well I’m not going to share it with anyone. That’s why I’m not going to say what I found.

A bike (whilst picking wild mushrooms- it must’ve been stolen, and it got stolen again in 1 day)

The best thing I’ve ever found is that if you drink decent champagne, you do not wake up with hangover!

Either music, or my life, or an air pistol at a caravan site when I was 11 or 12.

The best thing I found was a taste for champagne after 8 years as “designated driver”

The book “papillion”

1st edition (american) hard back of Burrough’s “Naked Lunch” 2nd hand book stall on Chapel Market 1969

Where I am to be- I’m still looking

Found! A cute little kitten in a small bag floating down the river (we gave her a home)

over 200 odd pennies on the street since 2007- “see a penny pick it up”

I foun a UFO whilst on holiday in Greece. I as sat having dinner in a taverna and saw a bright light darting through the night sky, then crashing into the beach in the horizon. after dessert I ran down to the shore. Finally i found it…. the remains of a UFO.My boyfriend said it was a Chinese paper lantern. I still think it was a UFO.

The best thing I ever found was a X10 magnifying hand lens which had ben abandoned on a barnacle encrusted rock on Tenby beach


The A12- the orad out of Suffolk that leads to London

A white and pink flat with a garden full of clematis

The best thing I ever found, aged 12, was my grandmother’s copy of “The Joy of Sex”. Me and my 13 year old cousin read it front to back, occasionally looking at each other and asking: “Do you think grandma ever did that to grandad?”!

A toy rabbit lying in the middle of the road right after I had dreamed of finding that rabbit.

The best thing I’ve found is…. that I can steal food from work

A green velvet hat balanced on the end of what looked like a broom handle sticking out of a street bin.

The end of the road

I found true love when I thought it didn’t exist

True Love

Best thing I ever found? On a low stage, in the middle, toward the front, hidden behind a microphone stand, Marcella

The SMS  version of a la recherche du temps perdu… the scotman’s guide to spending less than £5 a day (review by G.Brown, IMF… “I wish I had read this book when I was running the economy”…David Cameron’s apologetic note on the lines of “I m sorry I encouraged the UK’s racist explosion of 2012 in order o distract attention from the bankers’ bonuses/NHS reforms/Libya or Afghanistan- delete as appropriate

A cat in a box maybe alive- Thomas Schrodinger

When I lose things I never find them again :(

A baby in a Tokyo station

my own wallet bobbing in the sea while swimming

My Prostate gland

the way to Amarillo

I found a low budget pornographic movie lying on the path while walking back from college

I found the top set of a pair of false teeth in a waistcoat pocket at a jumble sale in Denton Holme Community Centre in 1980.

my G Spot

I found a bag of human hair at the back of a cupboard in a nice hotel in Hawaii- maybe they got too hot

Last year I found the first story that I ever wrote about a fat old Easter bunny- every bit as bad as I remembered it was and so special to read again that I cried. baby!

My dog, before he died, & I got to say goodbye

WMDS- no? myself (gap year)- too obvious. the warp zone in level 1.2- it was at the time

The best thing I’ve ever found. The knowledge that life cannot be planned, but must should can be experienced.

anything I’ve lost (it happens a lot and all feels good all the time!)

the one thing I didn’t know I had lost

I was 13 whn I found a pink used vibrator top o’ leith in Edinburgh I actually never seen one before

I think I’ve found my virginity again. seriously

Best thing I ever found – “LOVE”


I once found a coconut carved into the shape of a woman wearing a hula skirt, we called her Etheel. Later that day we found a stick with a skull on the top, we called him Neil. Ethel and Neil lived happily ever after.

A caterpillar the size of a pencil

A tribe of tree-dwelling people with no former contact with the civilised world- in Queen’s Park- Hanover

A little old hardcover book with painted illustration plates of alpine flowers. The writing is all in swedish, and I can’t read a word of it! Found on a back path of a park in north-east Paris

The way down from Mount Snowdon

A copy of Mrs Beeton’s Cookbook in the foundation of a house

I found my husband in field in Oxfordshire at 4 in the morning he is a shiney precious thing

A baby hare with paralysed back legs we called him Smokey Joe!

Baby Jesus (then I lost him again :))

A secluded rocky bay at the end of a long, dusty journey in search for somewhere more idyllic

A dead dolphin

I found a termite mound in the woods when aged 12

I found a pebble on the beach that had a hole straight through, a worn, pitted bead

A projector in an old house. a mixed CD entitled “from amos with love”

I was very hungry two days ago and I found an apple and chocolate bar on the floor. it was amazing

A door without a key..two left shoes.. a skirt with no buttons..a scarf with no end.. a pocket with no trousers

a kitten

the most wonderful amazing thing i ever found was a letter. My mother died when my sisters and I were 10, 9, and 8 years old. When my father died many years later we found a letter she’d written to him describing each of us and the future she visualised for us. It had all come true. How well she must have known us!

the way to the thinking place. where there is only me and the stillness (and a pint)

the cold side of the pillow.every night – when i wake up, amid frantic dreams and tangled sheets, i remember i can turn my pillow over and the world rights itself again

1. on a really really broke day I found a crisp 20 pound note. me and my mate sepnt it on the best chips and beer ever.2. a vegan, travelling in amercia- in the herat of cattle-farming country, straving to eath from lack of vegetables, suddenly, there it was- Cafe 127- VEGAN CAFE!!!

I found a voice improvvement programme containing 6 records with Mihael Aspel and Jan Metcalf giving voice lessons it teaches me how to have a voice that expresses the serene and beautiful thoughts of poets. recorded in 1962.

never found anything!

I lost my sanity and myself when I lost my dad!

the greatest treasure I ever lost was a poet and the father of my future children. i found him on the streets of Brighton many years ago now and had a few lovely weeks together before i lost him to further travels and his home country of New Zealand. i haven’t seen him since

Ona sunny day in the south of france, whilst swimming in a very murky lake, i felt a soggy paper thing wrap itself between my toestentatively i broguht it up with my long finger-like toes to find a 10 franc note. At seven years old, the ice creams were on me!

the meaning of life- but i ain’t telling anyone

i once found one of my lovely cats called Dolly’s hairs on my t shirt. I was on holiday at the time and was missing home….so it made me happy!

Walking through Vancouver I found a scratched slide. When I scanned it into my computer I found an image of a huge crowd of around 300 people seared in an arena in the 1960s ALL STARING BACK AT ME!

The best thing I have ever found ever would be my wife


That’s your lot. Now I’m going to eat some cheese in the shape of an egg (don’t really eat easter eggs)












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